Wednesday, August 7, 2013

pre-op PT

I decided to pay for some PT out of  pocket, it's right up the street from me and a 5 min. bus ride is do-able. I really liked this PT. He spent a lot of time measuring and testing muscles. He knows how to work with a labral tear. He noticed I have slight scoliosis and how I walk with my shoulders and hips in different directions. He listened to all my symptoms and shed some light on why things hurt. I havn't been able to sit, but particularly in a frog leg position. He says it makes sense because it stresses the labrum. He explained details about FAI. I gained some trust in him.

Im glad I am starting PT because my body is a wreck. I've lost 10 lbs. My thigh muscles are atrophying, my posture is not so good, My right leg from my ankle to my hip is so so tight. I really needed a care plan. I need little goals in my life.

Yesterday we went to the movies. It was the first time I sat in a chair in 6 months. The steroid injection seems t be working a bit and I can feel less inflammation. My hip feels ok. We saw The Dark Crystal up the street. I felt excited and full of hope to be sitting through a movie. For the first 10 minutes I felt fine.

I did this as a sort of experiment, to be mindfully aware of my pain. When I sit, it's like an alarm goes off in my brain. It took months to figure out what is happening. My joint gets really sore, it starts to get swollen. My ankle gets tight, slightly numb. My iliopsoas muscles get tight and squeeze my ribs. I always feel nausea. My heart beats fast. I get anxious when I do not feel good in public. Now that I know it's my hip, I can have better stress relieving thoughts in my head. By the end of the film, which was amazing, I was so uncomfortable and sore. I don't know if PT can help with this.

I miss sitting! I miss sitting and sewing, reading, eating, everything we take for granted. Oh to sit, how lovely.

I ordered a really cool lap embroidery stand and got it today. Now I can relax and recline back in bed while I stitch, pain free.

David and I are doing a cleanse. We are vegan and are eating all raw food. I usually do a juice cleanse, but I don't want to lose any weight. We also take this really powerful intestinal formula to get rid of toxins. It's a week long. Avocado cucumber soup is just the best.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

unscrew my leg

It's been 8 days since i've had my steroid injection. It feels very different this time. My pain has gotten worse, but I'm hoping it will get better. I feel the inflammation has subsided, but the purity of the joint pain is really shining through. My joint feels heavy and loose. I feel deep aches and nerve pain. Walking 20 minutes is really pushing it. I've been taking the bus more and have to stand in the back with my cane, enduring the stares and my own fatigue. Im still waiting on Dr. Mayo's response. I went ahead and made an appt. with Dr. Downer in Seattle in case Mayo can't see me for awhile.

I start PT on the 7th. I have no idea what this will entail, I can barely do anything physical. I just want to go in there and beg for pain relief. I have been feeling so embarrassed about my own weakness. This weakness is startling! My whole rt. leg, especially my ankle has gotten so weak, almost numb since the injection. I can't really place the pain anymore. It's deep and angry. I don't know if it's the muscles, the ligaments, my bursa, my labrum, my nerves, what is this pain?

My dreams have been so full of anxiety. Having to explain myself, describe my conditions, describe the surgery, what am I feeling? The pain seeps into my dreams. I can't even sit or run in my dreams, it's like having this huge anchor weighing me down. My leg is trying to fall out of my pelvis.

David is leaving in 4 weeks. I will be alone for 2 months. I plan to immerse myself in PT and crafts, reading long novels, writing, taking care of my cat, writing daily lists to keep busy.

I really don't know how I'm going to pull this off. The stress. My own mother tells me she can't sleep well anymore, she's having anxiety and panic attacks. When I was 3, my mom was in a terrible accident and hurt her leg very badly. It took a year to heal, they told her she wouldn't walk again. It took so much energy and effort and patience. I think my hip issues are hitting her hard. She really does not trust in this PAO surgery. She wants me to get a hip replacement, but I don't have any arthritis to merit that.

Embroidery allows me to become meditative. Focus on each stitch, think about the next task. I need to get one of those hoop stands so I don't have to bend my knee behind my hoop. I can't bend my knee anymore, it's the worst.

I know I will have to deal with a lot of solitude and isolation soon, so David and I plan to slow down our lives and enjoy simple things together like our garden and cooking and canning.

my first embroidered wheel. Im learning to do more weave techniques.